T21C 2009 speakers Nick Sparks and Francis Adams discuss The 21 Convention 2010 of Orlando Florida and the coaching they will be offering.

If interested pre-event contact Francis@TheSocialMan.com

I hear this one from guys all the time. Whether it be from guys I’m working with directly, or scattered in 1000’s of posts from men in every forum dedicated to figuring out how to talk to girls: “I didn’t know what to say”.

First and foremost, there are occasions when someone will say something and you’ll literally be held speechless, unable to think of a response. That’s not what I’m talking about today.

I’m talking about the two most common places I hear this, and why it’s actually another excuse guys are using to hold themselves back.

The reason why I sit down to write today, the first time in awhile, is because I’ve heard this enough to want to put down something definitive on this all too common question, to explain why this is actually another case of us defeating ourselves and not just the case where we need another line, and more importantly, how to make this ...]]>

I hear this one from guys all the time. Whether it be from guys I’m working with directly, or scattered in 1000’s of posts from men in every forum dedicated to figuring out how to talk to girls: “I didn’t know what to say”.

First and foremost, there are occasions when someone will say something and you’ll literally be held speechless, unable to think of a response. That’s not what I’m talking about today.

I’m talking about the two most common places I hear this, and why it’s actually another excuse guys are using to hold themselves back.

The reason why I sit down to write today, the first time in awhile, is because I’ve heard this enough to want to put down something definitive on this all too common question, to explain why this is actually another case of us defeating ourselves and not just the case where we need another line, and more importantly, how to make this problem disappear from your reality.

Let’s start with the first of the most common situations in which a guy will voice this concern:

When he’s looking to start a conversation with an unknown woman.

“Well, I would have said something to her, but I didn’t know what to say.”

Let’s reflect for a moment on why one may have this thought. First of all I’ll make an assumption. I’ll assume that a man wouldn’t worry about what to say if he didn’t worry about the consequences of saying the “wrong” thing.

There are a number of social errors that one could commit that would warrant a negative response. Generally, speaking about any sort of disease or illness upon starting a conversation will be frowned upon, and there are other examples that one could think of that would be deemed “inappropriate”.

As a side note, as I talked about in this post – when alcohol is involved, the reality of what is considered an “acceptable” means of starting a conversation is greatly affected.

Anyway, when you’re worried about potential negative outcomes from approaching, the possibility of saying something grossly offensive and deserving of a negative response probably isn’t even crossing your mind. This means that there’s another reason that one is fearful of the approach.

There’s a popular notion out there that a woman, because she “decides among men who she selects”, is more valuable in relation to a man. It’s easy to see why, under this perception of things, that a man would be fearful of an approach.

If a woman is looked at as this cold being of absolute judgement from which a man will derive his place in relation to other men, then, under this interpretation, I’d be pretty afraid of saying the “wrong” thing to a strange woman myself.

The thing is though this interpretation of women, while doing a great job of relating to men’s insecurities, is ignoring some very real facts about the way our world works.

As is usually the best policy, let’s start with women.

Take a walk through a bookstore, and start with the ‘Dating’ section, usually located near ‘Psychology’. What you’ll see is about 4 or 5 books written for men on how to meet more women. Immediately next to that, you have about 100 books, written for women, on how to find a freaking man. From following arcane ‘Rules’ to trying to become ‘Bitches’ for us, there’s a multi-billion dollar book industry because women are desperate for advice on meeting a guy. The field trip doesn’t even end there. Take a stroll over to the periodical section, and you’ll see another billion dollar magazine industry dedicated to the exact same thing.

Just about every night I’ve ever gone out I’ve seen droves of women, dressed to the T’s after spending hours to look that way, just trying to meet men. I’ve watched men attempt to have conversations with these women, half the time not even listening to them, many times just running through a set list of things to see, and still getting these girls to light up and be happy talking to them. And I’ve seen guys stand around and not talking to these same girls because they can’t think of anything to say.

The fact is that the barriers between the sexes are self created. Of course, sometimes, she’s the one creating those barriers; I’d highly recommend her this book.

Sometimes those barriers are situationally created. If it’s a cockfest, the high levels of testosterone stemming from frustrated male competition will probably make most of the women in there uncomfortable.

Most of the time though, especially when you hear a “I don’t know what to say”, those barriers are self inflicted.

As mentioned, we’re discounting all grossly offensive things from what you may say. You now, being a human being of some level of life experience, have a million things you can possibly say that fall in the “acceptable” category. (Especially when alcohol’s involved)

At the end of the day, we’re all just human beings. There’s probably not a thought you have had that she hasn’t thought or a feeling you’ve had – including nervousness, loneliness, awkwardness, attraction toward another human being – that she hasn’t had. All you have to do is relate on any one of those things, including, “hi, I wanted to come say hi and get to know you”. It’s probably why she came out in the first place, you just had to be the guy and say hi.

The other most common place you see this same problem popping up is when a guy does get into a great conversation with a woman, she’ll start to turn toward him with a smile and her eyes bright, he’ll find himself attracted to her, and then he’ll “just run out of things to say”.

This one has some different circumstances tied to it which make it appear different than the approach, however upon closer inspection we’ll see that it’s actually the exact same issue.

In both circumstances, you’ll receive varying degrees of signals from a woman that she’d want this type of action from you. Sometimes girls will look at you and smile, and thus strongly invite you to approach. Other times the signals won’t be as strong. Sometimes a woman will strongly indicate that she wants your interaction to be taken somewhere, other times the signal won’t be as strong.

The one characteristic of both situations is the feeling that accompanies them – it’s that same nervousness, that same anxiety. We have that feeling before we approach, and that same anxiety when we have a woman that we’re interested in looking at us and saying she wants the interaction to go somewhere. It’s in both of those situations that men reach for the same excuse : “Well, if I knew what to say, I would have done something”.

I recently gave a presentation that details how to “take the interaction somewhere” when she wants you to, and also how to recognize this so instead of spelling all out again you can watch that here.

The very important point I want to make through all of this is that the fact that these fears and barriers are a product of our mind does not make them any less real. Quite the contrary in fact, as all of our fears are a product of the mind, with some being more helpful given our current reality than others.

That nervousness, that anxiety is quite real, and it is because of it’s legitimacy it provides the ideal signal that we must take action – or reasonably decide not to.

There are good reasons to listen to fears sometimes. If I’m standing on a ledge, I’ll be afraid of the outcome of jumping off of it, and I’ll reflect on how much I like my life, and make the wise decision not to do so.

Other times, such as when we’re thinking of talking to a stranger or taking the interaction with a woman who is interested in us somewhere, or in any other part of our life, that anxiety is the signal that we now have the opportunity to break through some of those more irrational fears that are holding us back.

In fact, if a guy on a bootcamp tells me on the first night that he doesn’t have any nervousness before we hit our first bar, I’m sometimes more nervous about the progress we’ll make that night because of that.

In both of those oh so common situations where guys find themselves blaming a lack of words for why something didn’t happen, you don’t need some new knowledge to face that nervousness, you just need to face it, head on.

Whether it be approaching, escalating, or anything else in life, it’s all dealt with in the exact same way: through identifying your fears, and then looking them right in the eye and tackling them head on. The longer you wait and the more excuses you make to not do it, the harder it will be, and it still won’t ever be easy. It’s through this process, however, that we find our ultimate source of strength, our ultimate source of fulfillment.

It’s through the process of discovering that we can do anything – not a line, not a script, but just us – that will snowball into every aspect of our lives, and give us what we were really looking for in the first place.

I could have just told you never to do anything that’s motivated by fear, but sometimes it’s helpful to explain why.

-Nick Sparks

See all of my footage here

Visit my blog at http://sparksofattraction.com/

Man, the things you experience with the right set of eyes and ears.

Monday night at Greenhouse has become a pretty great party here in New York.  They get great DJ’s, have a pretty spectacular space, and promote the hell out of it.

I’ve been coming to this party since it started, and five or so months on, its still fun.

Every now and then, I like to come in, sit, and just pay attention.  I pay attention to the women, of course, and which men they’re talking to.

But as an occasional DJ, I also pay attention to what songs are getting people moving.  Being an occasional host, I pay attention to how much people are drinking.  And being an all around social person, I pay attention to how much fun people are having.

I want to share something with you from this absolutely wild scene that you can use when you go out: there comes a point in the night ...]]>

Man, the things you experience with the right set of eyes and ears.

Monday night at Greenhouse has become a pretty great party here in New York.  They get great DJ’s, have a pretty spectacular space, and promote the hell out of it.

I’ve been coming to this party since it started, and five or so months on, its still fun.

Every now and then, I like to come in, sit, and just pay attention.  I pay attention to the women, of course, and which men they’re talking to.

But as an occasional DJ, I also pay attention to what songs are getting people moving.  Being an occasional host, I pay attention to how much people are drinking.  And being an all around social person, I pay attention to how much fun people are having.

I want to share something with you from this absolutely wild scene that you can use when you go out: there comes a point in the night when you have to commit to the party.

When you combine music, drinking, and women, there’s going to be a party.  It may be a blast or it may be a downer – it depends on how the energy of the party flows.

A good DJ can keep the energy going, so can a great dancer, so can a few really fun, social people.  But once the party hits critical mass (and they know how to engineer that shit here in NYC) it is a proper party.

The women are feeling GOOD.

This is the key, key point. Women are feeling good. And they want to keep feeling good.

Now, this doesn’t happen at the start of the party.  At the start, they’re sitting there on their cell phone, checking their friends’ facebook status messages, texting people to see if they’re coming… etc.  At this point, they’re not really feeling good.

They’re deciding whether they want to commit to the party. Then a guy comes along.  Or a song comes along.  Or a drink gets passed their way.  Whatever.  Soon they’re starting to feel better.

Tomorrow’s cares vanish and they start to flow with it.  Somewhere in the room, people are starting to dance.  They don’t notice the faces of these people, but they notice movement.  Someone, somewhere, is having fun.

It now becomes ok for them to have fun.

And the more fun they have, the more virtuous a circle.  More drinks are handed their way.  More men come talk to them. My DJ mentor once told me “there are two rules.  1.) get the girls dancing and 2.) get the girls dancing.”

Now you and I both know why he said this.  If you can get the girls dancing, you can get the party’s energy going.

Throwing a good party means managing the energy of the room, from start to finish.  Sometimes it happens randomly, but it’s tough to pull off night in, night out.  I respect the people who run these high end nightclubs who make a living off of doing this.

And where do you and I fit into all of this?  We’re the ones trying to figure shit out.  Trying to see where we fit in, and meet a few fun girls in the process.

But here’s the secret: we fit in where we want to fit in. If its early on in the party and we are quiet and serene, we fit into the corner, which is meant for us in such moments.  It is dark and no one is really paying attention to us.

But if we’re having a good time, being social, meeting everyone… we stop fitting in, and we start standing out.

We stand out in a good way, because all of a sudden, WE are the ones having fun.  We are the ones making things happen.  Creating momentum and reinforcing the energy of the party. And there comes a point during every party, when the momentum is building, the energy is rising, more people are entering than exiting… when you have to commit to it.

At that point, you have to recognize it for what it is, and either love it entirely for what it is, or leave it and return to a quieter place.

At that point – and it really is a tipping point – you begin to stand out more for being alone and aloof than you do for having a blast and being social.

You have to make your choice.  And there’s no shame in the latter.  I write this right now at 2:45 AM, I guess its now Tuesday morning, and I decided that I didn’t want to commit to it this night.  I went in planning to hear some new songs to integrate into my set list, and that’s what I got.

But sitting back, relaxing, and observing without judgment… I’m reminded that if you don’t bring a little bit of party with you when you arrive, you can’t expect much in return.

So bring the fun.  Commit to your night, or go home and save it for another time.  There are many better places to be than the party you’re thinking of going to tonight – a beach in Hawaii, a ski resort in the Swiss Alps, or heck, even your comfy-as-shit bed – so make the most of the parties you go to when you go to them.

Go big or go home.

There’s no other way to rock it.

-Christian Hudson

Founder: The Social Man

http://www.TheSocialMan.com

See my 2009 convention speech free here.

GDI- according to Urban dictionary (highly trusted source of information), GDI stands for god damn independent.

While this may sound a bit extreme, I believe this accurately describes my- and The 21 Convention’s- role in the world of dating and relationship advice.

Thus far, I have been able to host the event 3 consecutive years- without getting tangled up in (too much) drama and politics- of which, there is a shit ton floating around.

I’m not sure exactly how I managed to pull this off- although I could speculate- but never the less that’s the current state of affairs.

So, kudos to me for not getting dragged into the BS =).

All that said, ...]]>

GDI- according to Urban dictionary (highly trusted source of information), GDI stands for god damn independent.

While this may sound a bit extreme, I believe this accurately describes my- and The 21 Convention’s- role in the world of dating and relationship advice.

Thus far, I have been able to host the event 3 consecutive years- without getting tangled up in (too much) drama and politics- of which, there is a shit ton floating around.

I’m not sure exactly how I managed to pull this off- although I could speculate- but never the less that’s the current state of affairs.

So, kudos to me for not getting dragged into the BS =).

All that said, I’m in a unique position as founder and director of this event to comment on and announce upcoming conferences similar to my own (to varying degrees).

I also feel that in some small way, it’s kinda my job.

At least, it doesn’t seem anyone else is up to speed on all the conferences and events like The 21 Convention.

Let’s hop to.

First up, Pua Summit.

See their 2008 trailer here (internal video pop up link).

At first glance it appears Pua Summit is the event most similar to The 21 Convention, however I think most who have attended T21C would disagree.

This isn’t to say anything negative about the event, but I think the only thing the two events really have in common is a surface level structure and vaguely similar theme of dating and relationship advice (even that, is a bit of a stretch).

Our marketing efforts are for sure, completely unrelated. Can you imagine me having a banner like this for the convention? Hey, to each his own, but if that ever happens with T21C , someone please kick me in the balls.

As far as history between T21C and PUAS, there actually isn’t much. I only began speaking with the organizers about a year ago- while both our events kicked off in 2007.

Thus far, we have been totally cool with each other and not competitors at each others throat’s like many seem to believe. If anything, I believe their event provides a sharp contrast to T21C since it focuses exclusively on “pickup” and the PUA Community- which I think is cool, but not where I want The 21 Convention heading in the years to come (if that’s not apparent by now).

If anything I want the convention heading in the slightly more advanced direction that Nick Sparks has been touching on lately in our interview.

And of course, topics outside of dating advice and social skills- things like exercise, nutrition, vagabonding, entrepreneurship…hell sky’s the limit =).

All that said, the 2009 Pua Summit is right around the corner from September 26th-27^th in Hollywood, CA.

Like The 21 Convention, the sooner you buy tickets, the more you save.

Get them here (and then click “tickets”).

I recommend going if you weren’t able to make it to The 21 Convention (2009) for one reason or another (timing, travel costs, etc).

Guys I would be excited to hear speak from their lineup include Adam Lyons, Mehow, Hypnotica (aka “Rasputin” from the best selling book The Game), and Daniel Rose.

A few other T21C speakers should be in attendance as well including our only female speaker, Erika Awakening (who, is mad cool), and I want to say Dj Fuji, although I’m not 100% sure on that.

There is also a chance Peter Murphy and I will be in attendance, although again, I can’t say for sure yet. If we do decide to head out there, I’ll post about it here on TDL.

Next up, the Love Systems Super Conference from October 9th-11^th in Las Vegas, NV. Check out their video trailer here .

This is a company inclusive conference- meaning speakers at the event are primarily from Love Systems and their partners.

Now, I’ve been to a LS Super Conference in Vegas, and I had a great time (check out my name tag I found sitting around in my room).

My only issue with the conference is the cost. It has nearly a $1,000 dollar price tag- and nearly a $4,000 dollar cost for in field coaching during the event.

And that’s just the conference.

I could be wrong, but I believe if you bought every seminar they offered before, during, and after the event, you would be looking to spend over $10,000 dollars.

It’s difficult to comment further because I have had a great relationship with this company…but holy $#!+!

That said, if you have the cash to blow, and this area of your life is that important to you, I’m hard pressed to say you could spend that amount of money better elsewhere (again, assuming you were going to invest that much into it).

I’ve been to this event, it’s great, and I definitely learned a few things from Savoy- President and CEO of Love Systems regarding event planning and hosting. I know how difficult it is first hand, and kudos to him for hosting his conference bi-annually.

The instructors I saw speak were for the most part, excellent. Guys like Braddock, Sheriff, Cajun, Tenmagnet, and The Don- all awesome dudes I’ve met first hand.

Braddock of course spoke at The 21 Convention 2008 so I’m a bit biased, but every time I’ve spoken with the dude he has been nothing a stand up guy. Sheriff is another speaker I remember very well- a speaker I hope to have at The 21 Convention in Sweden next summer if we end up doing it…which, is looking good to say the least =).

Braddock was also the same guy seen on The Tyra Banks show a few months back. Dude is rocking it!

Ok enough talk, if you’re interested in attending for one reason or another (such as, you missed T21C 2009), you can find tickets and more information here. The price may be high, but it’s a solid event and I guarantee you will learn a ton.

As much as I would love to attend the event myself, that chance is slim. But, if it does come up, I will post about it here on TDL.

Btw, it just came to my attention that Future will be at the Super Conference (or, at least post event available for a seminar). This guy is a legend I unfortunately never had the chance to meet, but if he is there, he’d be the first person I introduce myself to.

The RSD World Summit from September 28th-October 4^th.

In the early summer of 2009 I had the chance to meet Nick Kho (“Papa” from the best selling book The Game) in Orlando. He was in town by random chance and a few mutual friends suggested we grab lunch.

Overall, a good dude. Nothing like the scheming psychopath Neil Strauss portrayed in The Game.

We got to speak about quite a few things, including Real Social Dynamics being present at The 21 Convention 2009. For those of you who attended, you know very well that that did turn out well.

Papa and I made an agreement- RSD has an instructor present, the only catch being we can’t film it due to legal issues.

It worked out really well, a bonus for live attendees not caught on camera, and RSD got their name out there that much more (as I’m sure a multi-million dollar company was just dying for press at my convention right? ha).

But regardless, RSD Instructor Nathan came out and did a great job. Now we just need that lunatic Tyler out here in 2010 =).

Regarding the summit, I was curious about it so I asked Nick a few questions one on one. From what I understand, they are bringing every single RSD employee to the event- on top of regular attendees.

How many people does RSD employ? From what Nick told me, well over 200.

Now, if that’s not enough people, also consider RSD has been around collecting e-mail addresses for who knows how many years. My guess would put their list at near, or over 100,000. Hell, as of writing this, their forum (at this very moment) has just under 5,000 people reading it.

5,000!

WTF

That’s nuts.

Considering this, and the fact that the event is a frikin week long…damn.

If I were the guy organizing that event, I would KMAG (kiss my ass goodbye). Seriously…that’s pure mayhem- in a mildly good way.

As for the price tag, it’s not cheap, but considering the fact that it’s a week long, it seems reasonable. Again, if you missed T21C 2009- or feel like attending another conference for the hell of it- this is DEFINTELY one you’ll want to check out.

Find out more at RealSocialDynamics.com or visit the summit page directly here.

Finally…The Social Man conference. This one I actually know little about- or if it’s even happening 100%, but I can tell you right now that if it does happen, I would recommend it above the rest.

I’ve only had the chance to hang out with Christian Hudson and Nick Sparks a short amount of time, but everything about them says MY HEAD IS SCREWED ON STRAIGHT- which is seemingly a harder and harder to find trait in the world.

As I’ve said before, these guys “get it”, and if they host a conference, you bet your ass I’ll be at it.

…

Hope everyone is enjoying the footage, cheers

-Dream

This is the final part of my interview with Nick Sparks- if you missed it, check out part 1 here, and part 2 here. This guy has some serious effing content to share!

6. Can you tell us more about your recent video product, Unbreakable (which I have viewed myself and think is totally awesome)?

As much as I’d like to be able to take more credit for Unbreakable, this project has really always been the brain-child of Christian Hudson.

My involvement was mainly just the hours we’d talk about all of this stuff and bounce ideas off of each other, and of course the filming, however this project really came from the breakthroughs and discoveries that Christian has developed – and the structure of the entire thing is 100% his handiwork.

What it is, essentially the step by step, how to guide to ...]]>

This is the final part of my interview with Nick Sparks- if you missed it, check out part 1 here, and part 2 here. This guy has some serious effing content to share!

6. Can you tell us more about your recent video product, Unbreakable (which I have viewed myself and think is totally awesome)?

As much as I’d like to be able to take more credit for Unbreakable, this project has really always been the brain-child of Christian Hudson.

My involvement was mainly just the hours we’d talk about all of this stuff and bounce ideas off of each other, and of course the filming, however this project really came from the breakthroughs and discoveries that Christian has developed – and the structure of the entire thing is 100% his handiwork.

What it is, essentially the step by step, how to guide to developing a core of strength within yourself. Although there are a literal shit-ton of specific tips, the greater focus is in building a strong social foundation in yourself that naturally allows everything else to come from it – and then goes into even more detail on how to make those things happen.

The one thing about this program is that it’s thick/dense – a sort of owners manual. Because of this, I put together Ignite Your Night which serves a a quick start guide that quickly incorporates a lot of the ideas from Unbreakable into a solid specific game-plan you can take into a venue on any given night. This, and a couple extra bonuses are included with Unbreakable for no extra cost.

It was very important to us that everyone could afford it, hence the low price point which pleasantly surprised a lot of people. Plus the reviews have been excessively positive on our forum.

All in all we really couldn’t have been much happier with the way everything has gone.

7. Upcoming plans or projects you can hint us in on?

Well, our biggest news as of late has been Martina, our newest member and coach. She’s been working with me over the past couple bootcamps we’ve done, has learned a bit about how we do things, and has also contributed a brilliant female perspective which sharpens up what I teach.

Plus the guys that she’s worked with already have been adamant about how much they enjoyed having her so we couldn’t help but keep her around. You can expect to see her on all of our bootcamps in the future and we’re lucky to have her!

Other than that, we’re restructuring our Platinum Program as a residential program, so that’s exciting for us – more info coming on that in the near future – and once we fine tune everything else we’re doing, (building up the forum, polishing up The Good Life, etc.) we can begin working on our future programs, “The Superpowers” & “Connection” feat.

The Conversation Domination Technique; (working titles) which focuses on intense flirting and conversation mastery, respectively.

We feel that year one was a very positive year for us and we only look forward to continuing and strengthening that in year two.

We couldn’t have done any of it without all of the guys who have supported us from our earliest days, a big thank you to them – and we look forward to spreading the word even farther in 2010.

Cheers

Nick, I gotta say man, that was one hell of an interview.  You spoke about quite a few things that most coaches aren’t even informed about, let alone have a deep understanding of. Thanks again for speaking in 2009 and best of luck to you and Christian with The Social Man. Sounds like you guys have your work cut out for you . Look forward to hanging out again next summer

Thanks for checking out the interviews guys!

-Dream

This is part 2 of a 3 part interview with dating coach and thought leader, Nick Sparks. Nick has played a major role in The Social Man, since it’s founding; has been featured on CNN and other major media outlets, and was seen this past July at The 21 Convention.

See his speech September 8th 6pm EST, 100% free in streaming HD at The21Convention.com (it’s so good, I’m sticking it right on the home page).

If you missed part 1 of his interview, click here.

3. During your speech this past July I recognized a lot of the same concepts I spoke about- some word for word….things I had never told anyone about before my presentation. This made much of what you had to say hit home all the harder with me- and I think as a result, the rest of the audience. Are there any key ...]]>