About Nick Sparks (source)

Everything happens for a reason.

I learned this lesson at a fairly early age. My high school years were spent honing my social skills, and by my freshman year in college I’ll admit they were good. I really had no problem making friends and always exhibited a flair for performing that continues to this very day. The kink in my armor, however, was the fact that I still hadn’t figured out women.

Those first two years of college, my romantic experiences (which were never very consistent) consisted of the occasional night where I was a bit tipsy at a party, found a girl who was equally tipsy, and somehow manage to not screw anything up. It was after that 2nd year that luckily, fate interceded.

Editor’s Note: Check out Nick Spark’s FEARLESS

I didn’t know what was about to hit me. All I knew was that it was May after my sophomore year, I couldn’t go back home for another summer, and I had to find a sublet. Luckily my friend Katie had a room for me to rent in her sorority and would vouch for me to take it for the summer.

Ask any guy if he wants to drive an F1 race car and of course he’ll say yes. If that same guy is tossed the keys and told to get behind the wheel, unless he was an F1 driver, he’d probably have a bit more trepidation. That was my feeling moving in that week. Of course I was excited to be surrounded by beautiful women all the time, but I was definitely not used to living with more women than my mom and sister and wasn’t sure what would happen.

Luckily I had my social skills to fall back on. That spring I started building friendships with the girls in the house who were still in town, and by the time that the full heat of the summer was upon us, I was comfortable in my new home.

I quickly got a firsthand look at the conversations that girls were having about boys. Additionally, I would get to meet all of the guys that were hooking up with the girls in the house, and I soon became friends with the cooler ones. It could not have been a more perfect storm. I got bombarded with the full wonder that is the female mind and also got front row seats to watch how guys who were good with women thought and acted.

By fall, everything was different. My group of guys, which now included several of the guys I met that summer, was one of the “top” groups of guys on campus and I was dating several of the more attractive girls on campus, including a couple of my former housemates. My friends who had been absent that summer noticed the difference and began asking for advice. I became the unofficial “coach” of the group and as they started telling their friends about me, I built up a small reputation as the guy to come to for dating advice for both men and women.

Fast-forward 4 years and a million stories later and I’m working in sales as a mortgage banker for a top company in Michigan, while still being summoned for dating advice in my downtime. While sitting in my cubicle one evening, I get a call from a friend who tells me about a book called “The Game”, and suggests that I can actually make a living doing what I had loved doing for the past 4 years.

In what felt like a whirlwind, I started my first blog and started offering my coaching services to the public. Fueled by good reviews, I packed up for what I thought would be a considerable stay in Chicago. During that time, Christian Hudson, an acquaintance from college, was just starting The Social Man and caught wind of some of the reviews coming out of Chicago. He invited me to come out to New York to do some work with him, and 6 months after unpacking my life in the windy city I was once again on the move to Manhattan- and the rest is history.

Everything happens for a reason. Some men were born to rap. Some men were born to program. I am lucky enough to be able to share my accumulated knowledge to help other men achieve social and dating lives that they want for themselves. No man is naturally good with women, but we all can be the moment we make the decision to get this handled.

– Nick Sparks

• Visit Nick at TheSocialMan.com and learn how to be confident
• Check out Nick Spark’s FEARLESS
• Follow Nick on Facebook
• Like The Social Man on Facebook

About Nick Sparks (source)

Everything happens for a reason.

I learned this lesson at a fairly early age. My high school years were spent honing my social skills, and by my freshman year in college I’ll admit they were good. I really had no problem making friends and always exhibited a flair for performing that continues to this very day. The kink in my armor, however, was the fact that I still hadn’t figured out women.

Those first two years of college, my romantic experiences (which were never very consistent) consisted of the occasional night where I was a bit tipsy at a party, found a girl who was equally tipsy, and somehow manage to not screw anything up. It was after that 2nd year that luckily, fate interceded.

Editor’s Note: Check out Nick Spark’s FEARLESS

I didn’t know what was about to hit me. All I knew was that it was May after my sophomore year, I couldn’t go back home for another summer, and I had to find a sublet. Luckily my friend Katie had a room for me to rent in her sorority and would vouch for me to take it for the summer.

Ask any guy if he wants to drive an F1 race car and of course he’ll say yes. If that same guy is tossed the keys and told to get behind the wheel, unless he was an F1 driver, he’d probably have a bit more trepidation. That was my feeling moving in that week. Of course I was excited to be surrounded by beautiful women all the time, but I was definitely not used to living with more women than my mom and sister and wasn’t sure what would happen.

Luckily I had my social skills to fall back on. That spring I started building friendships with the girls in the house who were still in town, and by the time that the full heat of the summer was upon us, I was comfortable in my new home.

I quickly got a firsthand look at the conversations that girls were having about boys. Additionally, I would get to meet all of the guys that were hooking up with the girls in the house, and I soon became friends with the cooler ones. It could not have been a more perfect storm. I got bombarded with the full wonder that is the female mind and also got front row seats to watch how guys who were good with women thought and acted.

By fall, everything was different. My group of guys, which now included several of the guys I met that summer, was one of the “top” groups of guys on campus and I was dating several of the more attractive girls on campus, including a couple of my former housemates. My friends who had been absent that summer noticed the difference and began asking for advice. I became the unofficial “coach” of the group and as they started telling their friends about me, I built up a small reputation as the guy to come to for dating advice for both men and women.

Fast-forward 4 years and a million stories later and I’m working in sales as a mortgage banker for a top company in Michigan, while still being summoned for dating advice in my downtime. While sitting in my cubicle one evening, I get a call from a friend who tells me about a book called “The Game”, and suggests that I can actually make a living doing what I had loved doing for the past 4 years.

In what felt like a whirlwind, I started my first blog and started offering my coaching services to the public. Fueled by good reviews, I packed up for what I thought would be a considerable stay in Chicago. During that time, Christian Hudson, an acquaintance from college, was just starting The Social Man and caught wind of some of the reviews coming out of Chicago. He invited me to come out to New York to do some work with him, and 6 months after unpacking my life in the windy city I was once again on the move to Manhattan- and the rest is history.

Everything happens for a reason. Some men were born to rap. Some men were born to program. I am lucky enough to be able to share my accumulated knowledge to help other men achieve social and dating lives that they want for themselves. No man is naturally good with women, but we all can be the moment we make the decision to get this handled.

– Nick Sparks

• Visit Nick at TheSocialMan.com and learn how to be confident
• Check out Nick Spark’sFEARLESS
• Follow Nick on Facebook
• Like The Social Man on Facebook

Its time again for yet another review. This time we are going to be looking at a video product put out by The Social Man titled “Unbreakable”. It feature Christian Hudson and Nick Sparks. I’ve met both of these guys in person, and just saw Nick again recently at The 21 Convention in Orlando. In an industry filled with weirdos and charlatans, Nick and Christian have always been friendly guys. So I was happy when we decided to do this review.

A lot of the things taught in the community are really technique based. When we stray away from that strong base of “What to say, when to say it, how to say it” area of the community, there is the inner game camp. This gets even more complicated, and I hesitate to group them all under one funny umbrella as before.

This product seems to find a nice middle ground. There are techniques, but rather than a ton of lines, there is a structure taught to conversation. This is pretty much what I like most about the product. They try to give you an in depth understanding of why game works, and the way it works. This approach fits much more with where I am at right now in my game, so I appreciate it.

This is also one of the few products that takes time to address your real life. They call it “Passive Value”, but they are right. There is something more subtle going on during the entire video series that really does help to set this work apart. It doesn’t take the approach of tricking women into bed. Not that they don’t show some tricks. To often in the community guys view women as unattainable beings. This often seeps into products. Chris and Nick don’t follow that line of thought, and its good to see.

They believe women want to be approached by men. That they want our time, affection, and (dare I say it) sex. This is exactly the attitude adjustment that most people in “the Community” need. Its good to see instructors that understand this idea and put it out there.

The series has twelve videos in all, and covers The Social Man’s version of game. This means no focus on routines, and very little in the way of tricks and tactics. Instead you are shown ways to generate connection. There are no opinion openers or magic words in this product, so don’t expect that. Instead you can expect them to lay out how social interactions work. After word they usually follow up by explaining how concepts can be used.

I like the approach a lot, though its not necessarily what guys want. In my experience understanding the underlying concepts is far more important than just throwing out the right line at the right time. They do a lot to really avoid the strange and or creepy stuff that gets thrown around a lot. I hesitate to show some of the things I review to my often mentioned girlfriend. However, if this product helped you find Ms. Right, you could show it to her without her running for the hills.

For a more in depth and extensive look at Unbreakable, you can always check their site. As far as video series go, this has been my favorite so far. It does stand a chance to overload the students a bit, but I think the new angle may help quite a bit more of them.

If you are looking for a new product and have been in the community for a while, try this one. It takes a different line, and may be exactly what you need to find the success that has been alluding you.

As a final Review. 4.5 Stars out of Five.

-Dodger Clemons

www.Hshudo.com

If interested pre-event contact Francis@TheSocialMan.com

First and foremost, there are occasions when someone will say something and you’ll literally be held speechless, unable to think of a response. That’s not what I’m talking about today.

I’m talking about the two most common places I hear this, and why it’s actually another excuse guys are using to hold themselves back.

The reason why I sit down to write today, the first time in awhile, is because I’ve heard this enough to want to put down something definitive on this all too common question, to explain why this is actually another case of us defeating ourselves and not just the case where we need another line, and more importantly, how to make this problem disappear from your reality.

Let’s start with the first of the most common situations in which a guy will voice this concern:

When he’s looking to start a conversation with an unknown woman.

“Well, I would have said something to her, but I didn’t know what to say.”

Let’s reflect for a moment on why one may have this thought. First of all I’ll make an assumption. I’ll assume that a man wouldn’t worry about what to say if he didn’t worry about the consequences of saying the “wrong” thing.

There are a number of social errors that one could commit that would warrant a negative response. Generally, speaking about any sort of disease or illness upon starting a conversation will be frowned upon, and there are other examples that one could think of that would be deemed “inappropriate”.

As a side note, as I talked about in this post – when alcohol is involved, the reality of what is considered an “acceptable” means of starting a conversation is greatly affected.

Anyway, when you’re worried about potential negative outcomes from approaching, the possibility of saying something grossly offensive and deserving of a negative response probably isn’t even crossing your mind. This means that there’s another reason that one is fearful of the approach.

There’s a popular notion out there that a woman, because she “decides among men who she selects”, is more valuable in relation to a man. It’s easy to see why, under this perception of things, that a man would be fearful of an approach.

If a woman is looked at as this cold being of absolute judgement from which a man will derive his place in relation to other men, then, under this interpretation, I’d be pretty afraid of saying the “wrong” thing to a strange woman myself.

The thing is though this interpretation of women, while doing a great job of relating to men’s insecurities, is ignoring some very real facts about the way our world works.

As is usually the best policy, let’s start with women.

Take a walk through a bookstore, and start with the ‘Dating’ section, usually located near ‘Psychology’. What you’ll see is about 4 or 5 books written for men on how to meet more women. Immediately next to that, you have about 100 books, written for women, on how to find a freaking man. From following arcane ‘Rules’ to trying to become ‘Bitches’ for us, there’s a multi-billion dollar book industry because women are desperate for advice on meeting a guy. The field trip doesn’t even end there. Take a stroll over to the periodical section, and you’ll see another billion dollar magazine industry dedicated to the exact same thing.

Just about every night I’ve ever gone out I’ve seen droves of women, dressed to the T’s after spending hours to look that way, just trying to meet men. I’ve watched men attempt to have conversations with these women, half the time not even listening to them, many times just running through a set list of things to see, and still getting these girls to light up and be happy talking to them. And I’ve seen guys stand around and not talking to these same girls because they can’t think of anything to say.

The fact is that the barriers between the sexes are self created. Of course, sometimes, she’s the one creating those barriers; I’d highly recommend her this book.

Sometimes those barriers are situationally created. If it’s a cockfest, the high levels of testosterone stemming from frustrated male competition will probably make most of the women in there uncomfortable.

Most of the time though, especially when you hear a “I don’t know what to say”, those barriers are self inflicted.

As mentioned, we’re discounting all grossly offensive things from what you may say. You now, being a human being of some level of life experience, have a million things you can possibly say that fall in the “acceptable” category. (Especially when alcohol’s involved)

At the end of the day, we’re all just human beings. There’s probably not a thought you have had that she hasn’t thought or a feeling you’ve had – including nervousness, loneliness, awkwardness, attraction toward another human being – that she hasn’t had. All you have to do is relate on any one of those things, including, “hi, I wanted to come say hi and get to know you”. It’s probably why she came out in the first place, you just had to be the guy and say hi.

The other most common place you see this same problem popping up is when a guy does get into a great conversation with a woman, she’ll start to turn toward him with a smile and her eyes bright, he’ll find himself attracted to her, and then he’ll “just run out of things to say”.

This one has some different circumstances tied to it which make it appear different than the approach, however upon closer inspection we’ll see that it’s actually the exact same issue.

In both circumstances, you’ll receive varying degrees of signals from a woman that she’d want this type of action from you. Sometimes girls will look at you and smile, and thus strongly invite you to approach. Other times the signals won’t be as strong. Sometimes a woman will strongly indicate that she wants your interaction to be taken somewhere, other times the signal won’t be as strong.

The one characteristic of both situations is the feeling that accompanies them – it’s that same nervousness, that same anxiety. We have that feeling before we approach, and that same anxiety when we have a woman that we’re interested in looking at us and saying she wants the interaction to go somewhere. It’s in both of those situations that men reach for the same excuse : “Well, if I knew what to say, I would have done something”.

I recently gave a presentation that details how to “take the interaction somewhere” when she wants you to, and also how to recognize this so instead of spelling all out again you can watch that here.

The very important point I want to make through all of this is that the fact that these fears and barriers are a product of our mind does not make them any less real. Quite the contrary in fact, as all of our fears are a product of the mind, with some being more helpful given our current reality than others.

That nervousness, that anxiety is quite real, and it is because of it’s legitimacy it provides the ideal signal that we must take action – or reasonably decide not to.

There are good reasons to listen to fears sometimes. If I’m standing on a ledge, I’ll be afraid of the outcome of jumping off of it, and I’ll reflect on how much I like my life, and make the wise decision not to do so.

Other times, such as when we’re thinking of talking to a stranger or taking the interaction with a woman who is interested in us somewhere, or in any other part of our life, that anxiety is the signal that we now have the opportunity to break through some of those more irrational fears that are holding us back.

In fact, if a guy on a bootcamp tells me on the first night that he doesn’t have any nervousness before we hit our first bar, I’m sometimes more nervous about the progress we’ll make that night because of that.

In both of those oh so common situations where guys find themselves blaming a lack of words for why something didn’t happen, you don’t need some new knowledge to face that nervousness, you just need to face it, head on.

Whether it be approaching, escalating, or anything else in life, it’s all dealt with in the exact same way: through identifying your fears, and then looking them right in the eye and tackling them head on. The longer you wait and the more excuses you make to not do it, the harder it will be, and it still won’t ever be easy. It’s through this process, however, that we find our ultimate source of strength, our ultimate source of fulfillment.

It’s through the process of discovering that we can do anything – not a line, not a script, but just us – that will snowball into every aspect of our lives, and give us what we were really looking for in the first place.

I could have just told you never to do anything that’s motivated by fear, but sometimes it’s helpful to explain why.

-Nick Sparks

See all of my footage here

Visit my blog at http://sparksofattraction.com/

This is the final part of my interview with Nick Sparks- if you missed it, check out part 1 here, and part 2 here. This guy has some serious effing content to share!

6. Can you tell us more about your recent video product, Unbreakable (which I have viewed myself and think is totally awesome)?

As much as I’d like to be able to take more credit for Unbreakable, this project has really always been the brain-child of Christian Hudson.

My involvement was mainly just the hours we’d talk about all of this stuff and bounce ideas off of each other, and of course the filming, however this project really came from the breakthroughs and discoveries that Christian has developed – and the structure of the entire thing is 100% his handiwork.

What it is, essentially the step by step, how to guide to developing a core of strength within yourself. Although there are a literal shit-ton of specific tips, the greater focus is in building a strong social foundation in yourself that naturally allows everything else to come from it – and then goes into even more detail on how to make those things happen.

The one thing about this program is that it’s thick/dense – a sort of owners manual. Because of this, I put together Ignite Your Night which serves a a quick start guide that quickly incorporates a lot of the ideas from Unbreakable into a solid specific game-plan you can take into a venue on any given night. This, and a couple extra bonuses are included with Unbreakable for no extra cost.

It was very important to us that everyone could afford it, hence the low price point which pleasantly surprised a lot of people. Plus the reviews have been excessively positive on our forum.

All in all we really couldn’t have been much happier with the way everything has gone.

7. Upcoming plans or projects you can hint us in on?

Well, our biggest news as of late has been Martina, our newest member and coach. She’s been working with me over the past couple bootcamps we’ve done, has learned a bit about how we do things, and has also contributed a brilliant female perspective which sharpens up what I teach.

Plus the guys that she’s worked with already have been adamant about how much they enjoyed having her so we couldn’t help but keep her around. You can expect to see her on all of our bootcamps in the future and we’re lucky to have her!

Other than that, we’re restructuring our Platinum Program as a residential program, so that’s exciting for us – more info coming on that in the near future – and once we fine tune everything else we’re doing, (building up the forum, polishing up The Good Life, etc.) we can begin working on our future programs, “The Superpowers” & “Connection” feat.

The Conversation Domination Technique; (working titles) which focuses on intense flirting and conversation mastery, respectively.

We feel that year one was a very positive year for us and we only look forward to continuing and strengthening that in year two.

We couldn’t have done any of it without all of the guys who have supported us from our earliest days, a big thank you to them – and we look forward to spreading the word even farther in 2010.

Cheers

Nick, I gotta say man, that was one hell of an interview.  You spoke about quite a few things that most coaches aren’t even informed about, let alone have a deep understanding of. Thanks again for speaking in 2009 and best of luck to you and Christian with The Social Man. Sounds like you guys have your work cut out for you . Look forward to hanging out again next summer

Thanks for checking out the interviews guys!

-Dream

This is part 2 of a 3 part interview with dating coach and thought leader, Nick Sparks. Nick has played a major role in The Social Man, since it’s founding; has been featured on CNN and other major media outlets, and was seen this past July at The 21 Convention.

See his speech September 8th 6pm EST, 100% free in streaming HD at The21Convention.com (it’s so good, I’m sticking it right on the home page).

If you missed part 1 of his interview, click here.

3. During your speech this past July I recognized a lot of the same concepts I spoke about- some word for word….things I had never told anyone about before my presentation. This made much of what you had to say hit home all the harder with me- and I think as a result, the rest of the audience. Are there any key points you want to re-iterate as a sort of preview of your speech? Things that you feel really need to spread- especially for guys my age.

If there was one core message I would send to guys in college or anyone at that age to keep in mind is that there is virtually no structure for how you’re supposed to act or be.

Anyone who tries to keep themselves inside of this box of how he’s supposed to act is going to miss most of it. Whoever pushes the boundaries of who he is and what is acceptable and how he can interact with other human beings that will bring about the most positive feelings will grow and get stronger.

No matter what your major or vocation happens to be; adolescence and young-adulthood is the time to learn who you are.

That’s going to involve facing discomfort head on instead of avoiding it, and putting yourself out there to face the ridicule of others.

The thing is though, there is no better time of your life to do this. No one at that stage of his or her development has everything figured out. Everyone is looking for a leader. And it’s because of this that you have your perfect opportunity to hone that skill that’s going to get you everywhere you want in life.

The secret is that there’s no secret. Those guys that are doing all of the leading and, consequently getting all of the attention don’t know some magical secret that you don’t.

They faced the same fear and uncertainty that everyone at this stage in their life faces, and instead of stay silent and retreat, they put themselves out there, faced the fire of rejection, took some lumps, and began getting very comfortable taking the lead. They just started doing it. Sometimes they got rejected, sometimes they had success, but they eventually developed the ability to become a leader in a group.

You can’t expect to skip a level on this one.

The good news is, it’s college, no one else knows what the hell is going on so if you start putting yourself out there as a leader people will follow, and all of the traits and skills will follow suit as part of the natural process of connecting with other people and taking them someplace better.

4. Getting a bit esoterical on you here…but where do you feel western society has gone “wrong” in terms of male/female relationships and the psychology behind them (on both ends of the spectrum)? And as a tangent, when? At what points have things taken a turn- positive and negative?

Lol, oh jeez, I could go on forever on this one – and you can’t really say “western society” when it’s definitely more of global society thing, save a few pockets of Latin and French, influence.

One could say, actually, that at any point in human history – any time that division or fear has held favor in public consciousness, the effect it has on male/female relationships is not a pleasant one.

Drawing back to fairly recent history, the last time things were really open between the sexes was during the European Renaissance. Tales spread of great seducers who unlocked the hearts of women during the Middle Ages that were just coming to an end. The female passion was celebrated, Romeo & Juliet was written, and people made a ton of babies. Luckily, advancements in technology in this period allowed us to support them.

Then, as if it were a dream, the Renaissance came to an end. The Roman Catholic Inquisition crusaded against ‘Protestants’ and won, killing the likes of Galileo and other leading thinkers of the time, and in the process stamping out the wave of enlightenment.

Then the male/female walls went sky high. Fear of eternal damnation for an impure thought ruled the day. Scientific thought got shut out, and “don’t masturbate, or you’ll go blind, and burn in hell” became the law.

Then, under the theme of discovering the new world, these fears, and a culture created by them were spread to every corner of the globe. New colonies were set up regardless of current current residents, and the division of the sexes continued. Before fighting for the right to vote, women were fighting for the right to not be burned at the stake for being a witch, which definitely included women that wanted to have sex too often.

Many years and an industrial revolution later, we aren’t much further along. After a brief stretch of craziness in the 20′s which was taken care of by prohibition, we were back to hand holding and ice cream and 21 year olds who really believed that babies came from storks – well, probably not, but he still knew for sure that masturbating would definitely make you go blind.

Then, all of a sudden, things started to get really crazy. Between suburban emptiness in the ’50s, and an ideological war developing abroad, people started to challenge the old way of thinking. Drugs were flying, along with Kinsey reports, birth control, women’s empowerment, rock & roll, and all sorts of crazy shit. Walls between the sexes broke down and people had a lot more sex.

Then came cocaine and the backlash to the rebellion that left everyone a bit stunned and a bit unsure of which way to proceed.

So yeah, when our generation is faced with men and women who are sometimes too anxious to talk to one another and searching far and wide for an answer to this problem it really shouldn’t be that surprising to us at all.

The fact that we’re actively doing something about it is showing the most progress to breaking down those barriers in the past 700 years.

5. What do you believe can be done about this, and what scenarios do you see playing out for my generation? (We’ll say, men and women between the ages of 17 and 26).

Quite frankly I see this all being resolved in this generation.

I know, crazy, right? But if you could compare this particular period to any other, I would have to go with the Middle Ages right before the Renaissance.

You have quite a bit of fear, anxiety, and distance between the sexes, and this past century has seen acts of human brutality rivaled only by that of the middle ages, both with a solid dark ages right before it.

In both situations, cracks started to form and light started to seep in. As I like to say, water can only build up behind a dam for so long before it breaks, and you can feel the growing number of people getting active about what’s going on in their lives.

It’s this generation, by re-connecting with the opposite sex on positive emotion and casting out the things which keep us apart, that will usher this all in.

You can see it everywhere, men and women who look as though they are trying to find something that they’ve lost. They may think they want some material thing that takes their mind off of everything else. Reading through any classic tales of the Don Juan’s and the Casanova’s shows the women in almost identical situations.

These women were typically wealthy, bored, in a passionless marriage after thinking that marrying for money was a good idea, and probably feeling a bit lost like many of the women in our world today.

The people that made the difference then will have something in common with the people who make the difference now – who usher in this new Renaissance.

They will not have access to any secret, they will be the ones who realize the barriers only exist in the mind, and who’s courage inspires women to break down their own barriers.

I recently had the chance to meet and hang out with Nick a bit at The 21 Convention (2009) where he was a title speaker alongside guys like Christian Hudson, Julian Foxx, and Adam Lyons.

I had been following Nick’s thoughts on the science behind social norms, modern dating, and relationships- for nearly a year- and was excited when he agreed to speak at T21C 2009.

Suffice to say, hanging out with him exceeded my every expectation. This guy not only “gets” it like few so few dating coaches do, but is a really down to earth cool guy from the limited time we spent together.

Seeing him speak was nothing short of riveting as well. The minute he got “warmed up” on stage, I knew he would help take the convention in an entirely new direction. And that he did, giving arguably one of the best presentations in 2009- which you can view free in streaming high def September 8^th on The21Convention.com

But enough chit chat, let’s get down to the nitty gritty and pick Nick’s brain for some gold nuggets =).

1. Actually Nick, before “digging in”, is there anything more you would like to say about yourself? I would specifically like to hear about your involvement with TSM, and how you ended up coaching men in this (often frowned upon) field as a profession. Did you have trouble socializing yourself growing up (for example)?

Hey Anthony, first of all thank you for the warm introduction and it’s a pleasure to be here.

As far as my history in this industry goes, I actually started out as a pretty awkward kid. In middle school I played a lot of video games and read Dragonlance books, which for those unfamiliar with the series can be strictly classified as sci-fi / fantasy. (I actually found out that Christian read the same books growing up)

My freshman year of highschool, I was 6’1″, 125lbs (this means skinny & awkward as hell), with terrible teeth (pre-braces), acne, and big glasses. Yes, I used to get pushed into lockers.

Despite all of this, both my mother and grandmother were keen social people, and I had the ability to be social. Plus, since playing tee-ball, I always enjoyed sports, and went right into football when the fall came around, although most people’s responses were either, “you’re going to get killed” (grandma), or “hahahaha” (everyone at school).

Above all of this though, I had a strong desire to climb the social ladder.

Sports, and the weight training that went with them, added an additional 60lbs on me before I graduated and by senior year, and after three years of socializing as much as possible I was one of the more popular guys at my school. Although they were given out for fun, it actually meant a lot to me when I was voted “most changed in highschool” in the mock elections at the end of the year.

College hit and although I could socialize I still had a lot of insecurities, especially with girls.

During my freshman and sophomore years, I would hook up with a girl here and there, but it was typically always while drunk. The next morning I would wake up wondering how exactly I did that and not really feeling any better about myself.

Things changed the summer after my sophomore year, when a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to sublet her place over the summer. I knew I didn’t want to spend another summer at home, and her place turned out to be one of the more popular sorority houses on campus.

Then I simply got bombarded with estrogen. It took a little bit of time for me to calm my nerves and make friends, but once they liked me I got to hear everything that they talked about – their thoughts on life.

The flip side of this, was that I also got to get to know the guys who would be dating these girls. These were some of the 20% men that my friend Mark Redman talks about in Conquer Your Campus , and I got to observe that side.

After a summer spent absorbing all of this I developed many of the personality traits and characteristics that my new guy friends had, which Mark writes about beautifully. I also became very comfortable in my understanding of what was going on in a girl’s head, albeit the heads of 18-21 year old girls that were really just figuring things out for themselves.

It actually got to the point where I started giving the guys and girls tips on how to better connect with each other because I could see both sides of the equation, and yes, I ended up dating one or two of my house mates as well.

I really started coaching ‘unprofessionally’ about 7 years ago now. It started with my guy friends who were coming back into the fall. After the shock of my ‘transformation’ took effect, they started telling other people about me and soon I had more guys coming and asking for advice.

My reputation started building and things were going great for me, however, it all had to come to an end – or so I believed.

Graduation day came and with it came the pressures on every side of me to “get a job”, so without any idea of what else to do I went into the corporate world of sales. I started out throwing myself headfirst into my work, and subsequently doing quite well in my job. Praise came from supervisors, along with more money than I was used to having.

Although the money and the friends I made in the office kept me there, my passion for the work faded and I started getting pulled in different directions.

Luckily, and I only use this word because otherwise I may still be working in that cubicle, the mortgage industry started to collapse and my financial incentive for staying there fell with it, and I left my job and pursued two things I had always wanted to do – stand up comedy and bartending – plus I also started coaching friends in their love lives again.

Bartending and stand up were fun for awhile, but one day a friend of mine came to me and said, “Nick, you have to read this book”. It turned out of be Neil Strauss’, “The Game “.

I read the book, excellently written of course, and slowly started realizing that I could do what I had always loved for a living; that there was actually a huge market out there for it.

I soon traded in my bar and stage for a blog, and through that and word of mouth gained my first professional clients.

I’ve always loved the feeling of coaching, of pushing a guy to his best and seeing the impact you make right in front of you. After some time of outgrowing my college town, I packed up my life and moved to the bigger market of Chicago to spread my wings. I actually thought I was going to stay there for awhile.

Three months into Chicago, and I get an email from Christian Hudson, who had gotten wind of my coaching reviews in New York. Now, Christian and I coincidentally first became acquainted in college through a mutual friend when he came back to finish his degree. It was actually right around the time when I met him that he was growing Charisma Arts with Juggler into the known entity that it is today, although I was much to consumed with finding a job with health benefits to notice.

Because of our familiarity with each other, it was very easy for me to jump on a plane and do a co-bootcamp with him under The Social Man name, which was the name of his new adventure- and when I say new I mean the full culmination of what it could be existed solely in his mind, at the time.

What Christian really wanted to know is if I could handle myself in the crazy world of New York women, or if I was simply a local celebrity who could dazzle in the Midwest. I really don’t blame him because at the same time I was wondering the same thing, and didn’t know how I would stack up against the guys I read about who could, “effortlessly seduce any woman, any time, anywhere”.

I landed in New York with a tremor and Christian was sold, and after a man who’s seen the top in the industry tells me to stop worrying about how I stacked up to other guys, I really started believing in my abilities in this industry and focused on developing myself as best as I can through making other guys the best that they can be.

Since then we’ve been focused, constantly bouncing ideas back and forth off of each other and testing them to no end, and determining the best ways to get these ideas into the minds of everyone else. Although the underlying core principles (give love had always been at the forefront) are what brings us together, it’s really our differences that give us our strength.

Christian is incredibly brilliant and sharp when it comes to social dynamics, however his heart, his talents, his passions are mainly in entrepreneurship. He has that ability to create and make happen that I simply can’t match.

On the other hand, I’m obsessed with human interaction, although I still have some great things to add on the business side as well.

To tie it all together we’re both ridiculously respectful of the other’s talents, and good friends to boot.

2. Speaking of “frowned upon”, Christian had a few things to say about what you guys do for a living. Do you have anything you would like to add to his thoughts? Or is there something in particular that you feel warrants some extra attention?

It’s been just over one ridiculously crazy year since I’ve moved to New York, and only now do I feel that the foundation we’ve built in the last 365 days is really ready to grow.

Since I have the opportunity, I’d like to draw out a lot of what Christian was getting at in the short time period that we had to talk.

While I definitely feel that this move toward greater social skills and sexual capacity is ultimately a great one that will impact our society as a whole, I also feel that there are some aspects that are holding us back and that should be “frowned upon” and weeded out.

A lot of it has to do with perception, which of course, is what is commonly meant when we refer to ‘reality’.

If I tell a girl that I help men get laid, she is most likely going to “frown upon” my profession. If I tell her that I help men and women connect with each other then her feelings toward me are going to be much different.

Of course these perceptions start with ourselves – how we see ourselves – which will in turn influence how we interact with everyone around us.

Some of the stuff commonly thrown around in the community as standard practice has an authentically negative influence on how a lot of guys perceive themselves which in turn has a negative effect on their communication with others.

I want to make it clear that I don’t think there are evil men out there who teach bad things to get other guys to fail; quite the opposite, in fact. I think there are a lot of good guys who are helping everyone else to the best of their abilities. The problem arises when- and I’ve definitely done it before myself- things that are taught which are influenced by one’s own negative mindsets creeps out into advice, and this advice is taken as gospel by people who are in search of the answer themselves, or who can market some of these ideas to the masses and turn a profit.

You can see a great example of this in Mystery, who I have personally thanked for single-handedly captivating the awareness of a huge group of guys and thus practically owe my given profession to. You can see significant differences between what he taught 5-10 years ago, much of which has been marketed, packaged, and shipped for a significant profit, and what he is currently teaching now.

The simple answer for this is because he’s grown, he’s gotten better, and he’s realized that some of what he previously taught wasn’t the best – all while driven by the same thing that’s driven him all along, an earnest drive to improve himself and use his gifts to improve everyone around him.

An example of this occurrence can be seen in classic opinion-opener/neg psychology. The old standard holds that a woman has a high value, and a man has a lower value in a given venue, and that therefore a man must go to pains to prove to a woman that he’s not hitting on her when he is striking up a conversation, and furthermore has to lower her value with the neg in order to ‘bring her down to his level’.

There’s a reason why Mystery no longer preaches this stuff.

Assuming that she has a higher value vale and you a lower one, respectively completely ignores the face that she’s out there looking to meet guys just as much as you are there looking to meet girls, and often feel very insecure themselves.

Also, it presupposes the perception that a man already has a lower value from the get-go, and it’s not surprising that these ideas, that don’t feel right on the surface, lead to problems in interacting with women.

Often a guy, viewing this great value discrepancy between himself and the object of his affection, will over-compensate to make up for it. He’ll go to great lengths to entertain when asking the right questions would have given him his desired effects. He’ll go to great lengths to prove himself as ‘valuable’, when many times a woman will be attracted to a man before he even approaches, and she’s wondering why he feels so low on himself that he’s trying to prove something to her when simply saying “hey, how’s it going”, would have been good enough.

Hopefully I don’t even have to go into the ‘neg’, as I feel that one is on it’s dying breaths anyway, although good natured teasing, meant to make both of you laugh and bring you both together as a result – without ‘devaluing’ her for some good old ‘insecurity-sex’ – is always a good thing.

The bigger piece that deserves some frowning upon is the guru worship and reliance on ‘technology’ or material. I group these together because I feel they both share the same underlying problem, which actually reflects one of the bigger issues facing our society.

Many people today face an ever growing feeling of anxiety or confusion and find themselves searching for an answer to it. Many people turn to alcohol, their work, women, and a number of other things to be this answer. Now, of course not saying that any of these things are inherently bad, in fact they all have wonderful things about them.

The problem arises, however, when people use things as a crutch to avoid facing the anxiety and confusion that they fear – kind of like a band-aid. In much the same way and through the same natural process, when people saw the possibilities this industry provided, the tendency to make all of this the new solution to all of our problems came through, and now many people are searching for that next secret, that next routine that’s going to make everything perfect.

The effect this is having though, is giving a guy another thing to distract him from facing that ever growing anxiety when the path to his own growth lies not in looking for the solution is outside of himself, but realizing that the real solution is inside of himself and that there is where one must focus on building strength, instead of in a routine stack.

I do want to add, that all of the lines and routines and everything else are not bad, especially since I’m all for developing one’s social and communicating skills and a lot of great thoughts and knowledge has come from all of this, and that I’m sure that every word of it has worked at some point or another. I just have to point out that if someone is using these things as a cover for not developing himself, then the confusion and anxiety will subside for a bit, but then continue to grow, all of your subconscious communication with a woman will be off, and guys will see themselves getting worse.

I’ll give one more example of this that is a bit more specific:

Whenever your thoughts or words treat a woman as an object, the more difficult is will be to connect with them as a human being. To illustrate this, I’ll say that you will always have more successful interactions with a woman when you (for example) , “look at that very cute girl, she looks like she wants to have a good time but is just a little bit nervous and in her own head”, versus, “look at that HB9″.

Now, despite these aspects of the community that should be frowned up, as I said when I began this answer, ultimately we have a shit ton of guys who are in a mission for self improvement and social awareness. The frustration with a lot of these old evils is building even as I type this, and I strongly believe, when it’s all said and done, this movement will only grow, much in part to the foundation set by the imperfect people building it and the imperfect people who will keep it moving in the right direction, and we’ll further understand that those evils were a necessary part of our own growth and ability to see past them, as we leave these things by the wayside in pursuit of further perfection.

That’s all we have room for today guys. Nick obviously has a lot of great things to say, and rather than compress his thoughts into one post we have decided to make this a multi-part interview. More to come! Thanks for everything so far Nick, totally loving the vibe and content.

-Anthony

]]> http://www.the21convention.com/2009/09/13/interview-with-nick-sparks-part-1/feed/ 6 http://www.the21convention.com/2009/09/08/nick-sparks-t21c-2009/ http://www.the21convention.com/2009/09/08/nick-sparks-t21c-2009/#comments Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:19:27 +0000 Anthony Dream Johnson http://www.the21convention.com/?p=483

About Nick Sparks (source)

Everything happens for a reason.

I learned this lesson at a fairly early age. My high school years were spent honing my social skills, and by my freshman year in college I’ll admit they were good. I really had no problem making friends and always exhibited a flair for performing that continues to this very day. The kink in my armor, however, was the fact that I still hadn’t figured out women.

Those first two years of college, my romantic experiences (which were never very consistent) consisted of the occasional night where I was a bit tipsy at a party, found a girl who was equally tipsy, and somehow manage to not screw anything up. It was after that 2nd year that luckily, fate interceded.

Editor’s Note: Check out Nick Spark’s FEARLESS

I didn’t know what was about to hit me. All I knew was that it was May after my sophomore year, I couldn’t go back home for another summer, and I had to find a sublet. Luckily my friend Katie had a room for me to rent in her sorority and would vouch for me to take it for the summer.

Ask any guy if he wants to drive an F1 race car and of course he’ll say yes. If that same guy is tossed the keys and told to get behind the wheel, unless he was an F1 driver, he’d probably have a bit more trepidation. That was my feeling moving in that week. Of course I was excited to be surrounded by beautiful women all the time, but I was definitely not used to living with more women than my mom and sister and wasn’t sure what would happen.

Luckily I had my social skills to fall back on. That spring I started building friendships with the girls in the house who were still in town, and by the time that the full heat of the summer was upon us, I was comfortable in my new home.

I quickly got a firsthand look at the conversations that girls were having about boys. Additionally, I would get to meet all of the guys that were hooking up with the girls in the house, and I soon became friends with the cooler ones. It could not have been a more perfect storm. I got bombarded with the full wonder that is the female mind and also got front row seats to watch how guys who were good with women thought and acted.

By fall, everything was different. My group of guys, which now included several of the guys I met that summer, was one of the “top” groups of guys on campus and I was dating several of the more attractive girls on campus, including a couple of my former housemates. My friends who had been absent that summer noticed the difference and began asking for advice. I became the unofficial “coach” of the group and as they started telling their friends about me, I built up a small reputation as the guy to come to for dating advice for both men and women.

Fast-forward 4 years and a million stories later and I’m working in sales as a mortgage banker for a top company in Michigan, while still being summoned for dating advice in my downtime. While sitting in my cubicle one evening, I get a call from a friend who tells me about a book called “The Game”, and suggests that I can actually make a living doing what I had loved doing for the past 4 years.

In what felt like a whirlwind, I started my first blog and started offering my coaching services to the public. Fueled by good reviews, I packed up for what I thought would be a considerable stay in Chicago. During that time, Christian Hudson, an acquaintance from college, was just starting The Social Man and caught wind of some of the reviews coming out of Chicago. He invited me to come out to New York to do some work with him, and 6 months after unpacking my life in the windy city I was once again on the move to Manhattan- and the rest is history.

Everything happens for a reason. Some men were born to rap. Some men were born to program. I am lucky enough to be able to share my accumulated knowledge to help other men achieve social and dating lives that they want for themselves. No man is naturally good with women, but we all can be the moment we make the decision to get this handled.

– Nick Sparks

• Visit Nick at TheSocialMan.com and learn how to be confident
• Check out Nick Spark’sFEARLESS
• Follow Nick on Facebook
• Like The Social Man on Facebook