Peter Murphy and El Topo Discuss Ending Relationships

1. Steve Mayeda and Peter Murphy (Final) | The 21 Convention of Orlando Florida says:

   January 29, 2010 at 1:15 am

   [...] Part 1 [...]

   Reply
2. Michal says:

   February 9, 2010 at 3:01 am

   I don’t know if I heard any concise answers to the question, but I think the content from the video can be rephrased to make a good point.

   Raw material:
   (a) “look I’m attracted to you but I don’t know what I can bring to the table”
   (b) “just be honest”
   (c) set the expectations at the beginning by either
   (1) laying down that neither should expect anything from the other emotionally
   (2) establishing that you are interested in getting emotionally involved and taking that where it may go.
   (d) if you end crappy it is because you didn’t start the relationship well

   What I make of the above:

   I think there are two conflicts with this:
   (1) Telling someone they are attracted but that you cannot add value to their lives is being really roundabout and usually not honest
   (2) Not getting emotionally engaged is difficult

   However I like the following structural points:
   (1) Begin honest so that you do not end up ending in a crappy way
   (2) Be honest about your intentions

   I suppose the best way to combine these points is to approach people, yes, but if you do see them on a “day two”, that is when you should open the conversation about what you want. That means you have to know what that is first. I have been giving this some thought and I feel telling someone “I want this relationship for practice for the real thing”, however honest, communicates you are not going to take it seriously and then you are really just wasting both your and the other person’s time. I think a better goal in a relationship is to try to not be self centered ( “not be alpha” as per this video and “emote”) and add as much value as possible to the other person. And I think you should make it clear that you are neither in it for the long haul or for the short term, but you are there while it feels right. But as soon as it starts to feel wrong, you need to keep the other person informed so they do not suffer.

   I remember being a dreadfully awful person, weaning my emotional contact in the last months of a relationship, thinking that “it would tell her I am not interested and that it would make it end easier”. I never want to do that again. I think it is best to be honest about being someone who only dates someone exclusively if you two one day feel there is not enough room for emotion for multiple people. ( Alternately, if you are only out there for sex, then I don’t know if you are allowed to build emotional connections).

   I think “fear of commitment” is how many women would describe the above behavior, especially if they are more experienced. That is their perspective. I want to understand that it is really more about the following higher goal.

   I want to find someone who is truly right for me so that I may desire to fulfill her as much as she wants to complement me and that I choose not to give up this goal for temporary relationships that may help me grow but will not get me closer to it.

   Reply